As some of you may remember, my last post was a cliffhanger. Unfortunately, I waited too long and you all probably just fell off the cliff about 3 weeks ago. But fear not, I have returned at a moment of extreme boredom and today I will expand on my last post. Today, I will reveal to you many untold secrets of Meatland, the provice of Rec known to many of you as the "Weight Room".
For the last 3 years I have been visiting Meatland almost every day. Two years ago I earned dual citizenship there, and I consider it my home away from home. So what is this mysterious land? Meatland is a tumultuous province blessed with seeds of friendship and harmony, but also infected with strife and unrest. It is one of the few provinces in the Rec where you can find almost any sort of person you want: The Self-Conscious Freshman, The Stinky Bonfire Guy, The Only Does Bench Guy, The Flat-Bill Hurley Baseball Cap Guy, The I Think I have Cellulite Sorority Girl, The OMFG It Is Almost Spring Break Girl, and the list goes on. I have gotten a chance to get to know some of these different types of people and I will tell you today about a few of my friends--and enemies that tread the ground with me in the province of meatland.
First, I will tell you of my friend Payne. Payne is about 6'4'' and weighs about 240 lbs. His name doesn't do him justice. He is a part of the faction known as TGWAWOETJATPSTD, or Those Guys Who Actually Work Out Enough To Justify All The Protein Shakes They Drink. Payne has a large and loyal counterpart named Jason. Though Jason descends from a long line of Africans, and Payne from stout Irishmen, these two have formed a bond that shatters racism and is a spearhead for equality in Meatland. They have started a group called BEEF, which stands for Being Equal, Especially on Fridays. These two are royalty in Meatland and in the Kingdom of the Rec.
Next I will tell you of a disdainful character whose name must not be spoken. Well just call him The Turd. The Turd ventures into Meatland about 3 times a week. He almost always evades the Towel Gestapo and manages to enter the free weight area unnoticed. Once there he commits atrocious acts such as sweating profusely on benches and not wiping them off, dropping weights from above the specified height of 4.5", and grunting during adductions in his exercises. He is scrawny and is despised by almost all, save for the I Only Work Out Because I Love Northgate So Much Girls. Durign my multiple encounters with him, I and my allies have had to raise the Meat Alarm to Defcon 4. This is a serious matter whereby all free passage to the Free Weight area is halted and we must turn our efforts to defending Meatland. We do so by nonchalantly acting like we are watching the System Of a Down Music Video on the flat screen above us, but really spying on the Turd's actions to make sure he is not readying an attack. We employ other tactics such as reracking weights, which serves two purposes: Giving a good angle to spy from, and making the weight room more pleasant and organized, which is exactly the thing the Turd hopes to ruin every time he enters. The Turd is a menace to Meatland, a veritable Sadaam who seeks to destroy the hopes and dreams of all who enter Meatland.
Well that is enough for today. During my next post I am going to tell the epic saga of when Meatland was endangered by the Turd and Payne and Jason and I had to call in help from all over the rec to defend the Holy Land. Until then, I'll leave you with this
1. stay hydrated
2. always stretch before working out
3. beware of THE TURD!!!
1 comment:
I know Payne!
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